“What exactly is Tempo’s Alphabet?”

It’s a language device for a boy with an unusual speech impediment.

Tempo. A funny name for a boy but fitting in this case.

You see, Tempo doesn’t talk the way you and I do. So, I’ll speak for him. I’m one of the very few people Tempo still trusts these days. Yeah— he’s a bit jaded. But for good reason. I’ll explain.

I’ll start from the beginning.

Tempo is now a 13-year-old boy in the seventh grade. But he was born with a very unusual “speech impediment.” He sarcastically calls it, “The gift of a curse.”

Caused unnaturally. By an everyday item; a YouTube video. Yes. It’s true.

Tempo’s mother, Frances, is a woman with average intelligence, whose own mother badly wanted for her to be born gifted. Frances’ insecurity about her own average intelligence led her to search for a way to make sure her own child was born gifted. Insecurity is a heck of thing— isn’t it?

When Frances confided her concern to another expectant mother in her prenatal yoga class, this person recommended she watch a YouTube influencer’s video channel. This influencer was named Ms. Tempest Looms, a self-proclaimed "YouTube witch” with only 1 follower. Ms. Looms, in her most popular video (which had a total of 3 views) offered a “spell” that promised to raise your baby’s intelligence through the “magical power” of classical music and through a chanted spell called “Do Re Mi.”

Frances faithfully chanted this spell for the remainder of her pregnancy and waited. After Tempo was born, Frances noticed that he didn't cry or make any sound for many months. But then it happened. One day Tempo’s father Truman, a failed musician, strummed his guitar while Tempo was in the room.

Upon hearing the guitar notes, Tempo opened his mouth and repeated word for word, or note-by-note, to the shock & horror of his parents.

Tempo remembers being inside Frances’ womb, listening to the sound of the music. But somehow Frances cast the spell incorrectly, and rather than raising Tempo’s intelligence, the spell caused an unintended effect. Instead, Tempo could only speak musical notes— C, D, E, F, G, A and B. The fundamental scale in music. Also known in solfege: Do. Re. Mi. Fa. Sol. La. Ti.

The spell caused one other side effect; psychic telepathy. Frances could hear Tempo’s thoughts, in a normal speaking voice, in her head. Likewise, Tempo was able to hear Frances’ thoughts. But Tempo could not communicate with the rest of the world. All anyone else could hear were a jumble of musical notes whenever he opened his mouth to speak.

Tempo struggled to fit in at school, as you can imagine. Until he met a new teacher named Margaret Mallow.

Margaret Mallow, a Julliard graduate, had struggled to find work as a music conductor. She was denied position after position. Feeling defeated by her rejections, she resigned herself to moving back to her hometown of Dublin, Ohio. There she was hired as the music teacher at a middle school—the same school Tempo attends. This turned out to be an incredible stroke of luck for Tempo!

Margaret met Tempo in her last period music class. Upon discovering Tempo’s unique speech impediment, Margaret offered to privately tutor him to overcome it— using very untraditional methods.

The first thing Margaret did was to have Tempo recite the entire English alphabet in his own unique way. She then discovered that each letter he recited corresponded to one of the seven musical pitches! That's right— C, D, E, F, G, A, B.

Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti.

Margaret had an idea; she began collaborating with some of her teacher colleagues after hours, with Tempo’s blessing of course. She wanted to devise a way to translate the sounds Tempo made to words; but how?

It was at the suggestion of Tempo’s math teacher that they use a “Polybius square” to organize Tempo’s speech— and a janitor’s box of M&M's. Yes. You read that correctly.

You may notice the colored letters of Tempo’s Alphabet are the same colors used on the chocolate candies.

That's a story for another day, though.

As you can see, the Polybius square and Tempo's Alphabet share some similarities, primarily the checkerboard grid containing the English alphabet and row numbers.

The significant difference is the dimension; the Polybius square is a 5×5 grid. Tempo’s Alphabet is a 7×4 grid. That was by design. Rather than stuffing two letters into one cell like the Polybius, (for example I,J), Tempo’s Alphabet has two extra columns to include “? & !.” Each alphabet letter has its own cell, and including the exclamation point & question mark, it also allows Tempo to add emotion to his speech— like everyone else!

It's a wacky backstory. And you may find it hard to believe. But that's how it all happened— you can't make this stuff up.